When it was just you.

I remember the days when it was just you like they were only yesterday. But now you start your own adventures, just you, without me.

whenitwasjustyou

Do you remember when it was just you, my son?

Do you remember how I gave you all of my hugs? How my eyes watched you always? How I loved only you, my child?

You are my first. You will always be my first. And while you are no longer my only, you are the one who made me a mother. You are the one who changed me forever.

You were my first pregnancy test. You were my first oh-my-goodness-what-the-oh-my-am-I-ready-for-this-holy-cow-I-hope-I-am-because-this-is-so-freaking-amazing-but-oh-shit-what-the-oh-my-okay-this-is-happening-for-real moment. You are the first.

You were the one to give me my first worry as a mother. You were the first to tear my heart open in a way I never knew was possible. I thought I lost you. As quickly as I discovered that I had been gifted a new purpose, I thought that purpose had been cruelly stripped away. I thought I was losing you. I thought you were gone. The doctor on the phone thought so too. So your daddy and I made a late night visit to the emergency room. I was broken. And within a few hours, I saw your tiny heart beat on the screen, and I could breathe again. You were there. You were so tiny, your heart was beating fast, and you were there.

You were the first of my children to hold. I loved you before you were born, but when I held you for the first time, well, that moment was the first. That moment was the first time I discovered how intoxicating the scent of a newborn can be. That moment was the first time I understood how intense motherhood would be and how I would never be the same. That moment, my son, you gave that to me.

Do you remember when it was just you?

Do you remember how I smiled when you said your first word? Do you remember how I clapped when you took your first step? Do you remember how I cried when you got your first big owie?

You are my first. Together we’ve seen so many firsts. And now you are the first to begin your own firsts in the big world outside of our little home.

I will smile, I will clap, and yes, I will cry too when I watch you enter those school doors on Tuesday for the very first time as a kindergartener. We’ve had so many firsts together, but this is the first time when I will not be there to see many of your firsts. This is the first time since leaving my full-time job to be an at-home mother when I will not have one of my children with me during the day. These past two years all of my days have been spent with you and your sister, and for the next few weeks until the baby arrives, it will only be me and your sister at home –without you. It will be a lot quieter; perhaps too quiet. It will be less tiring for me; perhaps not tiring enough. Your sister and I will still have many adventures, but our adventures won’t be the same without you. You were the first to make me want to soak up as many adventures as I could while you were young, while you were only mine, while we had these days before kindergarten and scouts and soccer practice and Sunday school.

Oh, my son. I will smile, I will clap, and yes, I will cry too for so many reasons when you enter those school doors on Tuesday. I will smile because it makes me happy and proud to see you so excited to start school. I will clap when you share your accomplishments with me. And I will cry, maybe not in front of you, when you share how your heart hurts. You are my first, and this is a new first for us. You will experience new firsts on your own, and I will be here for you when you need me. We can smile and clap and cry together, but my son, it’s just you again. You get to do this on your own. You get to do this without me.

I will smile to encourage you that you are ready for this. I will clap to remind you that I am so unbelievably proud and excited for you. And I will cry when you walk toward your teacher and classmates because I will miss you. I will miss sharing so much of each day with you. These past two years as a stay-at-home mom have been a gift. It’s been fulfilling and trying and exhausting and inspiring and full of adventures, and it’s been amazing because you’ve been a part of it all from the very beginning. This journey started with you, and now it’s time to let you start your own journey.

Remember when it was just you and me that moment when you were first placed on my chest? I do like it was just yesterday.

I love you, I’m proud of you, go get ‘em my little Jedi. When you get home I’ll be here to smile with you, clap with you, and cry with you if you need me to. And when I tuck you in at night, please don’t mind if I hold you a little longer and tighter against my chest.

This magical moment.

Noticing the simple, magical moments in our everyday lives.

ThisMagicMoment

I am a worrier. I worry about my kids when they are playing rough. I worry about my to-do list when it doesn’t seem like I am adding enough checkmarks. I worry about my husband encountering distracted drivers on his way to and from work. I worry, and when I worry, my view of what is in front of me becomes a little cloudy and grey—the world becomes a lot less magical.

In January, I decided that instead of making a New Year’s resolution I would choose one word to live by in 2015: magical. I needed to focus on worrying less, especially about what I have no control over. And I needed to learn how to see the world through the eyes of my children more often. Yes, so much of what goes on in the world is scary and heartbreaking, but every day there are magical moments happening right in front of us. When we put our fears and worries aside, when we take a moment to breathe and open our eyes, we let the magic in.

As I look back on these past seven months, or seven days, or even the past seven hours, I admit that there have been many moments that were not magical. There have been many moments when my eyes have been closed and my heart has felt heavy with worries. But I am learning. I am learning to worry less. I am learning to see how beautiful the most simple and ordinary moments can be. I am learning a lot of this from my kids.

A couple of weeks ago, the kids and I were invited to attend Princess Wednesdays at the Hard Rock Café at the Mall of America. For attending and writing about the event, the Hard Rock Café treated my family to lunch. I went to the event prepared to take notes about our experience watching the princesses from Tiny Diva Princess Party perform as well as the experience of having lunch with my kiddos somewhere other than the park or our home. However, I ended up spending most of my time paying attention to my kids’ reactions. I sipped on my water, ate my juicy and spicy Fiesta Burger, and I watched my children. While my son was having more fun drawing on his kid’s menu, my daughter was absolutely delighted by what was happening before her eyes.

While the kiddos and I ate our food, we watched Anna, Elsa and Kristoff perform some of our favorite songs from Frozen. We had a great seat by the stage, and to be honest, I had a fun time singing along. While my daughter stared at the Frozen Sisters, I couldn’t help but stare at her with a heart full of joy. It was such a simple moment, but for my daughter, it was a magical moment. At one point during the performance, Anna stepped down from the stage to sing and dance with the dozens of kids at the performance. I was about to tap my daughter on the shoulder to encourage her to join Anna and the other children, but for the first time (in forever), she didn’t need my encouragement. She took one more bite of her macaroni and cheese, she gently set her fork down and hopped down from her chair, and she marched over to Anna to hug her. It was such a sweet moment for my girl, and it was a proud moment for me. My daughter tends to be quite shy in these types of social settings, and while she was still a little meek, I saw her take a big, confident step all on her own. And for me, that moment was magical.

HRCMeetAndGreetwithFrozen

The Princess Wednesdays event was fun and we enjoyed our meals while watching the characters perform. Afterward, the kids all had a chance to meet and take pictures with Anna, Elsa and Kristoff. As a parent, it was so entertaining seeing all of the kids excited about singing at their tables, dancing with the Frozen Sisters and meeting some of their favorite characters. The event was free for dine-in guests, and it was a great way to spend an early afternoon with the family. Kids meals are reasonably priced, and we all ended up taking leftovers home. And to sweeten the deal, all Twin Cities Kids Club members who attended the event received $5 off of their purchase of $25 or more at the Hard Rock Café.

Twin Cities Kids Club is sponsoring two more Princess Wednesdays events at the Hard Rock Café during the month of August, and I would love to see you and your kiddos there. The events will be held on Wednesday, August 12th and Wednesday, August 26th starting at 11:00 a.m. at the Hard Rock Café in the Mall of America (located on the first floor near the LEGO® store and Nickelodeon Universe®). On Wednesday, August 12th, all are welcome to dress up in their favorite princess gowns and eat a royal lunch with the princesses of Tiny Diva Princess Party. On Wednesday, August 26th, all are welcome to enjoy a theatrical story time performance of Diva Ever After with the princesses while eating lunch. To learn more about the upcoming events and to make a reservation, please visit the Twin Cities Kids Club Events page on Facebook here.

While guests pay for their own lunch at the Princess Wednesdays events, the performances, and meet and greets with the princesses of Tiny Diva Princess Party are free. So don’t forget to bring your camera! Guests who are also members of Twin Cities Kids Club will get $5 off of their $25 purchase by showing their membership card. To learn more about purchasing a membership, please visit Twin Cities Kids Club.

HRCFunnyFace

{Disclaimer: I received a free lunch from the Hard Rock Café for sharing my experience of attending Princess Wednesdays. All thoughts and opinions are 100% my own. I am also a team member of Twin Cities Kids Club, and I am excited to share my adventures of working with a fun, small, local group of talented individuals.}

A difficult woman.

A difficult woman: Some days it’s challenging to swim against the current. Some days the waves of tantrum after tantrum are too heavy.

ThisIsHerThree

“I pray for the man who marries you some day,” I mutter under my breath as I witness yet another episode of my 3-year-old daughter kicking and screaming over having to eat the bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios that she had asked to eat with such glee and excitement just 15 minutes ago. I have been awake for less than an hour and already the waves have formed and I can see them rolling in—one after another– far off in the distance.

I take a deep breath and channel my inner Bob Marley. “Rise up this mornin’, smiled with the risin’ sun,” I gently sing while making my coffee.

“Noooooo!” My daughter screams back at me. I continue singing as I wrap both hands around my warm cup of freshly brewed coffee. “Don’t worry about a thing, ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”

“STOP SINGING, MOMMY!” My daughter shouts as she forces her body to slide from her chair to the floor.

My hands grip my cup of coffee tighter. This is just the beginning; the first wave of water brushes sand over my clean, dry feet. Within another 15 minutes, my daughter will calm down and she will let me wipe the tears off of her face. We will hug, she will smile, and she will giggle after her first bite of breakfast saying, “Mmmmmm. I love Honey Nut Cheerios, mommy!”

This is just the beginning, though. The waves are coming; I can see them getting higher. Let’s see how well I can swim against the current today.

***

These waves are heavy as they crash against my body. I try to plant my feet in the sand and stand strong in the rip current. But some days I lose my footing, and the water carries me farther from shore. The water carries me farther from you.

Oh, child. I love you with all of my heart, but these waves flood my mind from time to time. These waves make simple things so difficult. And I begin to only see the difficulties these waves bring. I begin to focus so intently on keeping my head above water, and I forget that you are trying to swim, too. The waves are crashing against you, too.

***

“Are you approaching your relationships with love?” Our pastor asks during his sermon this morning. I glance at you, and you are coloring quietly. You look up at me, smile, and point to what you are working on. The waves begin to recede.

Have I forgotten how to approach these waves with love in my heart? Am I letting the waves pull my love under the current? When you change your mind, and refuse to get dressed, and cry because I put your shoes on wrong, do you feel my love receding with these waves? Do you see that I love you? Or do you see the waves, too?

I glance at you again, and you look so calm coloring. Love floods my heart, and I feel the weight of the water pull away from my body.

I lift my feet out of the wet sand, one at a time, and I rinse them off in the calm water. Perhaps you are not the difficult one, my child. Perhaps I’ve been the difficult woman all along.

ThisIsMotherAndDaughter

 

Scary Mommy
I'm Published by Mamalode!
  • Mondays are good for setting new goals, right? New day, fresh week. So, while I wait for my son during his Tae Kwon Do class tonight, I decided to set some writing goals. It's so hard to make time for writing because life gets busy with other priorities. But, I need to remember that writing is a priority too. 📝 #justwrite
  • I've been working out consistently since the end of February. I drag my booty out of bed at 4:45 am to hit the gym and work out with my amazing instructors and morning crew friends during the week. And most Saturdays I double up to take my two favorite classes, PiYo Live and BodyPump. I've never felt stronger and happier about myself. My mental health has improved drastically. My clothes fit better. I have more energy. And guess how much weight I've lost...NONE!!! I've actually gained 10lbs...of muscle baby 💪🏽💪🏽. I remember the first class I took after taking over 7 years off of taking care of myself. My whole body was trembling after, and I thought damn, I'm gonna lose so much weight if I keep doing this. I ignored my instructor's remark that working out isn't for losing weight, it's for getting stronger. Well @frazzledmomfit you were so right! I'm so much stronger now than I ever thought I could be.  #badassery #twincitiesblogger #piyolove #bodypump #mnblogger #strongnotskinny
  • #summerinmn #naturewalk #twincitiesblogger
  • Hello, Summer. And hello, adorable clearance outdoor mat from Target. #hellosummer
  • Today we took on the @mnzoo! Summer break is the best 💜🐒😎☀️ #adventureawaits #dayatthemnzoo #summerinmn #summerbreak #twincitiesblogger #mnblogger #goatsofinstagram
  • Happy Father's Day to this man who works so hard for our family and who can play just as hard too! We'd be lost without you, Farley! And I'm sorry we found another home project to do... #fathersday #thisisfatherhood #homeprojectsneverend
  • Taking on @nickelodeonuniverse at @mallofamerica with five kids in tow today! #summerbreak #summerinmn #twincitiesblogger #adventureawaits #thisismotherhood
  • I think about writing every day. So why is it so hard to sit down and make the time to do it? Yesterday we went to the library, and I happened across a book called "Views from the Loft." I've also been wanting to take a class at the @loftliterarycenter for years, but there's always an excuse to not have the time to do that as well. So, I'm taking time to at least read this book, and in the introduction, two of my favorite professors from college are mentioned. Maybe it's a sign---a connection from the me now to the me several years ago when I would spend dozens of hours writing every week. Is this the spark I need? We will see! How do you make time for writing? Tell me all your secrets! #justwrite #writing #writersblock #twincitiesblogger #mnblogger #adventureawaits
  • Library day! #readingrocks #twincitiesblogger #adventureawaits #ilikebigbooksandicannotlie #iheartlibraries