Why I started this blog.

I didn’t start this blog just to complain about how my job was smothering me. I started this blog to document my journey of finding something that better aligns with my values, skills, interests and goals. I started this blog because maybe something I wrote about what led to my resignation resonates with you. I started this blog because I want to create and be a part of a community of talented individuals who are searching and striving for the same thing: a job that makes us feel good about ourselves and a job that serves our community.

A lot of bad things have happened in our world within the last 12 months, but one thing that hurt me the most was hearing about the children who were murdered while they were at school. I was overwhelmed by my emotions, and I know that many other parents were as well. I was not directly affected by what had happened, but I thought about the parents who lost their kids that day and all I could do was cry and pray for them. And like every other time I hear of something awful happening, I thought wow, this world is pretty f*@!#$ up.

But then I saw some comments on Facebook that kind of slapped me in the face. We can’t let bad events make us feel helpless and hopeless. Yes, there are a lot of messed up things going on in our world, but is there a way to change this?

Being just one person, I know I can’t change anything. But God did put me here for a reason, and God put you here for a reason, too. If we collaborate and work together, we can make positive contributions that may help to create a better community, a better country and maybe even a better world.

Now, with this reflection in the back of my mind and dealing with what was going on in my work and home life, I began to make some other connections that helped me to finally have the guts to send in my resignation.

Prior to sending in my resignation, my husband and family listened to my ranting for several months. I went on and on about how I hated my job, how I didn’t have enough time with my kids during the week, and how I had no time for myself. At first I felt like no one understood the pain that I was feeling. And I didn’t want my husband, family or colleagues to think that I was lazy or giving up or going crazy. I felt alone for a long time. Mainly because I thought that leaving my job would make me a quitter, and I thought that I would be letting my family down. I wanted so badly to feel like someone understood me, but I realized that I was the one who didn’t completely understand where my pain was coming from. Rant after rant after rant, something finally surfaced.

I realized that I was so unhappy because my job was going nowhere for me. I was stuck.

At home, my number one duty is being a mom, and I love being a mom. I never knew how much love I could have for someone else until I had my first child. I never knew it was possible to love someone else just as much as I loved my son until I had my daughter. And I never knew how difficult and rewarding it could be to care for someone else more than yourself until I became a parent. Although being a mom is effortless when both kiddos are laughing and loving you for chasing them with a stuffed Yoda saying, “Catch you, I will.” Being a mom is also exhausting when both kiddos are screaming like someone is beating them with a belt because you asked them to try just one bite of their meal that they have already decided is “icky” because it has a sauce or doesn’t come with a sauce or looks like poop or something. But because my husband and I love our kids more than anything else, we find ways to get through these challenges, and we add a win to the board when everyone survives dinner without crying or banging our own heads on the table. We take it one day at a time. Some days are easier than others, but all days end with me loving my children more.

Being a mom has made me realize that I have the power to raise two children to do good in the world. This is a huge responsibility — and it’s scary to think that I have this sort of responsibility — but this gives me a purpose. Being a mom has also made me realize that I have a lot of flaws. This isn’t easy to accept, but this makes me want to be a better person for myself, for my husband, for my kids and for God. I learn something new every day as a mom. Some days I have a better understanding of my children’s personalities and behaviors, other days I have a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be.

What does all of this motherhood talk have to do with starting this blog, collaborating with others and having a job that makes me feel good about myself and serves my community?

Work can be effortless at times when you enjoy what you are doing. It can also be challenging, but these challenges are worth it when you gain new skills, earn achievements that are important to you and see how your work is having a positive impact on others. When work is effortless and challenging for the wrong reasons, it can make you feel stuck and hopeless. And this can poison you.

After months of feeling like I was barely surviving managing work and home life, I realized I was so frustrated and miserable because I wasn’t learning new skills at work and I didn’t have time after meeting production goals to participate in extra activities at work that would allow me to learn new skills. I couldn’t see a career path where I was at, and I couldn’t see how my work was having a positive impact on others. I felt like I was at a dead-end. I felt like I had no purpose outside of my home life, which made being away from my children the majority of the week even more painful.

A few weeks ago, my son told me to stop crying because he wanted me to be happy. My son is 3. His words were a wake-up call. I needed to make a change. I need to turn this dead-end into a new path.

It’s time to find my purpose. I don’t care if it’s big or small. I don’t care if I find it right away. At least I know now that I was no longer on the right path and I can redirect myself. And I know I am not the only person who wants purpose. I am not the only person who has left a job to find another job that is more fulfilling. I am not the only mother who has decided to leave a job or to work less hours to focus more on her children and being a mother she wants her children to look up to. I want to learn about how others are pursuing their “dream job” or applying their interests and talents at work. I want to learn about how others are trying to make a positive change in our world through their work or personal time. I want to learn about how other moms are living, not just surviving.

I created this blog because I want to hold myself accountable for finding my purpose and finding a job that is more meaningful. I also created this blog because I need some guidance, and I know that I am not alone.

Do you know what your purpose is?

Why I left my job.

Hi. I’m Aimee. I’m almost 28.

I have a bachelor’s degree, I’m a homeowner, I’m married and I have two toddlers. I have student loan debt, I have a mortgage, I have car payments, I refuse to carry a balance on my credit card, and I am saving for my kids’ future college expenses. I’m a planner and a hard worker. I have had a job since my freshman year of high school. Ever since then, I have always had a job. Until last week.

On June 7, I turned in my work laptop and my employee badge to my boss. He had security open a gate for me so I could exit the building. We shook hands, I walked to my car, and I never looked back.

This was a big moment for me. It’s right up there with getting my diploma, marrying the only person in the world who I think will ever know me better than I know myself, purchasing a house with my husband, and giving birth to my son and daughter. It was a big moment because I chose to leave my job. I chose to leave my job without having another job lined up. That’s right, I’m unemployed now.

Wait, what the !@#$ did I just do?!?!

Let me explain.

I started my most recent job in late 2010, and for a while it was awesome. I was writing, and I was making decent money doing it. The company offered great benefits, and I was working with many talented and motivated individuals. I thought I hit the jack-pot in terms of jobs. But then things got overwhelming really fast.

I had a second baby. Production goals increased. I was breastfeeding my daughter at all hours of the night and trying to fit in pumping while in the office during the day. Then I started working remotely at home five days a week, which meant I could shower during my lunch break instead of before taking the kids to day care. But then production goals increased again. I started working at night to catch up on the writing I couldn’t finish during the day. I stopped breastfeeding and pumping. I started potty-training my son. I was finally at a point when I was not having to work as much at night after the kids went to bed, but then production goals increased again. My husband started grad school. And I unraveled.

Going back to work after maternity leave with my daughter was a struggle. I wanted to stay home with her and my son, but I also knew that I needed to help support the family financially. I couldn’t make my husband be the only one responsible for making the money to pay the bills. After about three, four or five months of being back at work, I was finally able to get up in the morning without crying about wanting to stay home with my kids. And I was doing fine for a while.

But when production goals increased to the point where I had to start working at night after a full work day just to meet goals, I was miserable again. I kept telling myself that once I was done breastfeeding and pumping, I would have more time during the workday and more energy to get my work done. But by the time that happened, it was only a few months before goals increased again.

By the beginning of this year, I had no time to work on my career development. I was just writing, and writing, and writing. My motivation to advance at the company was gone. Employees who started after me were already advancing far beyond me. My husband also started grad school, which meant he was at night class once a week and also had to study on Saturdays and some Sundays. He is a great father and does so much for our kids, but because he couldn’t help as much as he used to, I started to feel like a single parent. I supported his decision to go to school and made sure he had the time he needed to do well in his first class, but I didn’t expect to get so exhausted so quickly.

I have been drowning. I want to swim again.

Things came crashing down on me pretty hard a couple of months ago. I was exhausted. I knew I needed a new job, or no job at all, but when I was asked what I was interested in or wanted to do, I didn’t have an answer. When I was with my kids, all I could think about was the basket of laundry that I still needed to fold and what I could do to try to accomplish more work in less time so I wouldn’t have to work at night after putting the kids to bed. I was angry at myself for being so miserable. I was angry at myself for wanting to leave my job. I was disgusted with myself for not being able to fully enjoy my time with my kids  because I was constantly worrying about everything else. I knew I needed to change something, and I knew that meant quitting my job. But I was scared. So I made an appointment with a psychotherapist.

After a couple of sessions with my psychotherapist, after months of praying to God for clarity, and after numerous discussions with my husband, family and friends, I finally allowed myself to send in my resignation.

I cannot keep my passions caged any longer. It is time to open the cage.

There are so many things I have been wanting to do. I want a job that is fulfilling. I want to further develop skills I haven’t used in a few years, and I want to learn new skills. I want more time to spend with my children, and I want to learn how to play with my kids without constantly worrying. I want to allow myself to indulge in my interests without feeling guilty about it. I want to go on more dates with my husband. I want to write a children’s book. I want to socialize with others more. I want to try bartending. I want to live.

Was it necessary to quit my job? Yes. It was smothering me.

Do I understand that most people don’t just quit their jobs without having another job lined up? Yes, I do. But I have so much more to offer, I have a husband who is willing to support this decision, and I will not let my family down. My husband deserves a happy wife, my kids deserve a brave mom, and I deserve to live life.

Watch out world; here I come.

Scary Mommy
I'm Published by Mamalode!
  • Happy birthday, sweet girl! It’s such a joy to be your mommy and to watch you grow! 💜 #adventureswithv #thisistwo #birthdaygirl
  • Just a gentle push to get my butt out of bed to work out in the mornings before the rest of the household wakes 🙃. #thisismotherhood #strongwomen #workit
  • Have you ever not done something that you really wanted to do because you were too shy, or anxious, or afraid of how you would look? I have been in this situation far too many times than I’d like to admit. My ear gets hot and red, my heart pounds, I feel nauseous, my voice shakes, that inner voice of self doubt kicks in, etc. Well, today I decided that I wasn’t going to let my anxiety take something else away from me. After almost a year of telling myself “No, you can’t do that,” I decided to say, “F it, I’m going to try.” I’m going to try for my kids, because they need to know that even adults are scared to try new things, but we can choose to still go ahead and do our best. I am going to learn something new for my kids, because they need to see that even adults are never too old or too smart to learn something new. I’m going to have fun trying something new, because my kids need to see that fear and worry can be turned into positive energy. So today I finally took my first Taekwondo class. And I was so nervous. Sooooooo nervous. But you know what? I survived. I had fun. And I earned my white belt. So the journey begins. What’s something you have been wanting to do that you haven’t tried yet? What’s stopping you? You got this. #motherhood #anxietyproblems #taekwondo #taekwondofamily #ninjainthemaking #storytellingmama
  • Birthday weekend begins for my baby who’s not quite a baby anymore 😢🎈🎉💜🦄🌸👶🏼 #birthdaygirl #almost2 #toddlermom  #wheredidmybabygo
  • Damn, I feel like a farmer 👨‍🌾. #urbangardening #potatoes #urbangarden #mnblogger #twincitiesblogger #hellofall #harvest
  • The green belt becomes a blue belt! #proudwifey #taekwondofamily #taekwondo #bluebelt
  • Hammer fist! So close to earning his brown belt. #perseverance #hammerfist #boardbreaking #taekwondo #taekwondofamily #purplebelt #proudmama #mnblogger #twincitiesblogger
  • No need to buy pumpkins this year because these beauties came from our own garden! I’d say it was a pretty successful harvest for our first pumpkin patch. #octoberbaby #pumpkinpatch #superpumpkin #urbangardening #harvest #mnblogger #twincitiesblogger
  • #riptompetty #wontbackdown #standmyground #kindnesswins #vegasstrong